the unknown.

BEWARE. this is byfar my longest piece ever. so prepare yourself.


my words are empty
since you've been away
i'm taking on your qualities
to bring you back
so my words are empty
i don't mean what i say
it all feels so useless
so miniscule & unimportant
so i sit here
contemplating suicide
like we used to do
rocking on the porch swing
speaking of razors & ropes & pistols
wondering idly if we truly
could make ourselves
if we truly
could leave all this behind
for the unknown
oh, but the unknown
sounds so dramatic
sounds so cheap & idiotic
& how i'd miss the trees, dear
maybe there are no trees in the unknown
& i do so love the colors
maybe there are no colors in the unknown
but we'd take the leap anyhow
into nothing
into everything
into the looking glass
into the ocean
would there be music?
would there be love?
the unknown cannot possibly fathom
the contagious affliction
that is love
can it?
& i'm still broken
a mess that no one can clean up
because of you, i maintain
you ran off with
the missing pieces
& now i'm broken
shattered
a puzzle
never to be finished
but maybe if i remain
rocking on the porch swing
contemplating suicide
you'll come back to me
somehow
return with open arms
although singed from the fires
burned & bleeding throughout
tattered clothing barely hanging
over your charred limbs
walking with some infernal gait
your eyes beseeching
frightened & lonesome
maybe you'll touch me
gingerly
so as not to scare me away
like a doe in the forest
delicately, with blackened fingers
leaving soot stains on my soft skin
& like a deer in the headlights
i'll oblige
entranced & enthralled
by the trainwreck at my feet
you beg for my hand
& i cannot yank it back
despite the fear of corruption
& decay you shine on me
come with me, darling,
into the unknown, you say
& though i'm unsure
& fearful
i'll oblige
& i'll take the leap anyhow
into nothing
into everything
will there be music?
will there be love?
the unknown must of course
know of love
clearly, it must
but i'll still appear broken
even moreso in the unknown
in the dim, disdainful illumination
where time ticks away
slowly
& we can feel it
draining from us
every second
tick, tock
tick
tock
& i know you walk beside me
though i can't feel you anymore
your hand or your presence
are you still there?
have you disappeared again?
this place feels so desolate
like an empty street at 2 in the morning
flickering streetlamps
bleeding yellow intermittently
into shadows
but in this place, the unknown
shadows do not flee from light
they shuffle & saunter out to meet us
or maybe just me
where have you gone?
as if unaware of their places
in the world
my world
but this is the unknown
& faceless, ever-moving demons
wrap their arms around me
pulling me in
away from you
but then,
looking back,
were you ever there?
were you ever beside me?
they pull me furthur down
underneath
into the sewers of the unknown
where the dripping never ceases
infection never fades
is ever-prominent
as water in a rainstorm
& as the fiendish fiends drag me
struggling
through their radioactive underworld
glowing, toxic sludge
covers everything
drooling slowly
or hardened like wax
petrified drops suspended everywhere
& sickly rodents scurry sluggishly
through & through
the path i take
in & out
& suddenly
i hear windchimes
light & airy
devilish, melancholy windchimes
threatening
menacing
twinkling..
windchimes
relentless bell tones
never sleeping
never joyous
only twisted, tormented, & troubled
tortured echoes
so there is music
in the unknown
i guess you could say
but as yet,
of love i know not
stepping blindly through this thick darkness
as the sickening melodies resonate
the shadows are changing
the captors of my mind & heart
& soul
(do i still possess a soul?
or has it, too, eluded me?)
the thieves of my organs
they become brightly-colored clowns
bright red dripping from their cynical smiles
of shining pointed teeth
too wide in their faces
smiles invading their cheeks
too far
black dahlia smiles
bright blue cyanosis skin
bruised & flaking
sunburnt & freckled
bright white hair
falling out in tufts
disintegrating on the spot
& eyes like black holes
sucking in everything around them
including my shallow breath
i can almost see that tiny ball of compressed energy
beneath the veils of black lashes
but then
breaking my enchantment
i scream
an awful, earsplitting, deafening scream
but the medicated child-stealers
do not react as expected
they simply chuckle deceitfully
still jeering
licking their lips
dry & splitting
forcing my hands
above my head
& holding them there
as i feel a wall behind me
cold, merciless stone
they crush me against it
again & again
in & out
through & through
biting my neck
scratching my arms
cutting into me
i cannot cry
tears will not reach my
eyes wide shut
i feel red trickling down
& then slimy tongues
that lap it up
so i focus on a sound
almost unrecognizable
pleading an escape
& it hales me back, compassionately
onto the rocking porch swing
& your eyes
like black holes
sucking everything in
until i can't even see the tiny ball of compressed energy
& breaking my enchantment
i scream
but you cover my mouth
stopping it too suddenly
like a music note with the tongue
leaving a reverberating question
requesting an explanation
with your brows sewn together
but i have no answer
in fact i know not
of what you speak
it all sounds like gibberish to me
i look upon your moving lips
but understanding doesn't come
no utterance of yours
makes any sense to me
& then
just as quickly as the memory relieved me
it evades me just as quickly.
& i am left, alone
one second rocking on the porch swing
contemplating suicide
& the unknown
where i have been recently
& return to
every other second
breathing in two worlds
half in the daylight
& half withering away
on cold, merciless stones
praying for tears
that will not come
for death
that i cannot swallow
& the next second, back again
the porch swing now rocks empty
as i take the leap anyhow
out the window
&, after falling for some time,
return to the unknown, forever
where you stand waiting
in & out
in & out
your appearance shifts & spins
with my blinking, watering eyes
& the creaking, swinging fluorescent fixtures
but then
we stroll curiously down
the now-all-too-familiar street
of slippery, pitiless rock
at 2 in the morning
streetlamps bleeding yellow
onto shrieking, faithless shadows
& the daisies in the unknown
they're rather strange
how very peculiar
curiouser & curiouser
their blooshot eyes penetrate
me
down to the
core
their empty, lifeless stares sending me
into near convulsions
i squeeze my eyes wide shut again
& look away
our hands are glued together
for i won't let you get away from me again
but something else has changed
in our discovery, inhabitance, & acceptance
of the unknown
your mouth has been sewn shut
your throat cut out, ears mutilated
& so your poisoned blood drips eternally
from your head & neck
you cannot speak or hear me
but somehow i am inside your head
& my eyes have been sewn shut
my voicebox stolen, ears mutilated
& so my tainted blood drips forever
from my head & neck
i cannot see or hear you
but somehow you are inside my head
along with the sound-bitten memories
of the ticking & tocking
of psychotic clocks
winding down too slowly
our time lost
of the slight rustling
of evil, dangerous leaves
slicing the evening breeze
whistling an eerie chorus
the almost-silent laughter
satisfied & taunting
of the serpentine jesters
repeatedly taking advantage
of sweet vulnerability
& the soft jingling
of crazed & wicked windchimes
ringing alarming harmonies
for there is music
in the unknown
but the unknown
knows love not.