a crow is cawing.

A crow is cawing

Sitting, waiting

For to take your soul with him

The crow is loudly

In the morning

Screeching without any end

As he screeches

Thoughts like leeches

Come to burrow in your head

& so he sits there

Clawing, wondering

When you'll give in to the dread

The crow is waiting

Not so patiently

For you to show your sins

& he is searching

Searching for the darkness

held there deep within

The crow is cawing

List'ning, crying out

At you to just give in

& with this you think quietly,

Perhaps the time has come, & then

The crow is cackling

at your misfortune & your inner strife

& he is waiting for you

To decide to end your life

Upon this he'll reach his quota

& can leave our world behind

For he is just the messenger

A train car for your kind

The crow is squawking once again

hoping to seal your fate

He knows the time is near

As you step up to the plate

The rope is long & strong & should hold up without a fight

You hoist it up & over & you tie your knot just right

The chair you've chosen sits

in a new melancholy state

& as you stand upon it, it protests against your weight

& then, kicked to the side just like a puppy in the street

It whimpers there & thinks the crow

a dirty rotten cheat

The crow is shrieking & I feel

Your heart beseeching mine & then

I wake with such a pain

& can't explain it to my brain

But somehow you are pulling me

Surreally holding on for just a moment 'fore I realize that you're almost truly gone.. 

A crow is calling

Somewhere somewhere

Far away from where I am

A crow is yelling at me

Telling me where he has been

& as he flaps away

Silent as the morning dew

it's obvious to me just then

That he has taken you.

Be

Be patient, but don't wait.
Be strong, but not hard.
Be honest, but not mean.
Be sensitive, but not soft.

Believe, but don't be fooled.
Be beautiful, but not vain.
Be trusting, but not naïve.
Be frugal, but not cheap.

Be open, but have boundaries.
Be realistic, but have faith.
Be good, but have intent.
Be calm, but have fire.

Be proud, but stay humble.
Be imaginative, but stay grounded.
Be wise, but stay curious.
Be spontaneous, but stay organized.

Be brave, but not reckless.
Be silly, but not stupid.
Be peaceful, but not passive.
Be enough, but not perfect.

Be modest, but be irresistible.
Be quiet, but be heard.
Be kind, but be assertive.
Be prepared, but be present.

Be content, but don't settle.

shrinking syllables.

try as i may i cannot pause the racing thoughts within my head
but if i were to stop so suddenly, i'd surely end up dead.
& this thought is the one that keeps me rounding 'bout the circle track:

if i lose momentum, i might start to notice things i lack
grace & poise & fucking class & all that ladies should broadcast
qualities that i, myself, could never ever hope to grasp.

i think & then i turn around & then i think again
& wish for changing mirrors with my open eyes & then
i think of who i am & who i used to be back when

razors called to me for every hour of my day
minutes, even seconds, feeling pain not kept at bay
shortly after seeing red i knew what i became:

a small, slightly awkward ball of shivering quakes
resounding into nothingness as i migrate
back into my shell, cracking like an ancient plate.

& now to screw discretion i wear short sleeves
prepare for judgment as annoying as fleas
look into eyes & ask a very small, 'please?'

you pretend to know me without seeing
i decide to show you what i'm being
we have very diff'rences in meaning.

confusion settles in all the time
perhaps if i could understand rhyme
you could possibly be somewhat mine

don't you realize what you're missing?
that these lips you could be kissing?
then we could start reminiscing

about days that have long gone
little mistakes that were wrong
plans that kept us dreaming on

but now what's left is us
shattered & without love
never cooing like doves

i'll leave you with this
was ignorance bliss?
seal it with a kiss

can you resist?
let's make a list
things that you'll miss:

all my love
like a drug
my laughter

my voice
my taste
your choice:

stay
or
go.

you're not.

i relish living in your memory
breathing slowly
so as not to scare the thought away
can't reach out to touch you
you're not there
you're not here
you're not

play our song on repeat
feeling it within me
take another drink
breathing slowly
so as not to scare your face away
can't reach out to hold you
you're not here
you're not there
you're not

unfulfilled, sitting, dreaming
wishing you could hear my pleading
searching everywhere for everything
i should be finding inwardly
but it's not there
it's not here
it's not

where to look
where to turn
where to go
when to burn
thinking brings anxiety
breathing faster, tenderly
i touch the photo quietly
find a lighter too quickly
& raise them both quite fluidly
watch our smiles go up in flames
watch our happiness fall away
watch our past becoming ash
it blows away within the wind
i feel your memory again
feel it make the tears begin
they fall in silence onto stone
& once again i'm left alone
just memory to keep me whole
because you're not here.
you're not there.
you're not.

this is me.

the blade calls to me
beckoning
with razor fingernails
& i don't care why
& i don't care it's been so long
judge me if you please
it's not your skin that bleeds
it's mine alone & mine to bear
dealing in the way i choose
my body, soul, my war to lose
tired of fighting, sick of blame
all of you project your shame
keep it to yourself, 'cause i don't give a damn
i'll do what i want & all i want is blood
missing the red, missing the pain
always visible, slightly burning
nothing here can cease my yearning
can't drown it in booze like the rest of you
you're no better than me
i don't care what you see.

in the dark i wait & bleed.

in the dark they come for me
thoughts that whisper lies & thieve
what little faith which may remain
what little strength i have to claim
razors call aloud my name.

superficially i hide
from what i'd like to leave behind
but to distract is not enough
& to ignore is just too tough
when won't these nights alone be rough?

nobody seems to understand
the reasons behind where i am
i talk & they're all hearing me
but none are really listening
& even if they were, they couldn't know how i've grown to believe
in things like razors, ropes, & pistols
even all my little sisters
looking to a disrespectful
naughty girl with good intentions.

every day i laugh & smile,
think maybe in a little while,
i might believe the phony truths
i spew in my excessive youth
but when my heart drowns in vermouth..
i cannot help but choose the wrong
the darkness helps me carry on
perhaps it's just a part of me
enough that i can't even see
who, without this, that i could be.

i try to stop the growing thoughts
alleviate this pressure wrought
but nothing will suffice except
the pleasant burn of slicing depth
& this will last until i've slept
& dreamt the dreams i'm sure to feel
all the ones that seem so real
that scare me from my silent slumber
make me think i'm too outnumbered
wake me up so i can wonder
if this pain will ever cease,
desist & let me live in peace
again i must give in to greed
i get up just to do the deed
after which i must concede
defeat
& then i wait & bleed.

thinking of you.

In the wee hours of the morning
When all is dark & there's no light
I look for you & all that's right
I think of you & I take flight
My dreams fly on with wings outstretched
Over land & sea & better yet
Over mountains made of paint still wet
& trees & brush & floral sets

I fly on & can't help myself
You interject & wreck yourself
You've left me high upon your shelf
& it's too high for me to drop
I wish you'd just decide to stop
But if you did I'd cry & cry
If you did I'd surely die
& I'm not sure exactly why
I'm so attached to this one guy

Why can't I just let him go?
Let those thoughts float out windows
I get so stuck in my own ruts
If only I could trust my guts
But they have lied to me before
& I don't want to reopen that door
The one that leads right down that path
Toward you, perhaps my better half

See, just look, my thoughts have gone
& run right into you again
I just can't stop my silly mind
From wishing you could be all mine
Every night I lay in bed
Thinking bout the things you've said
I twist them round to make me smile
I relish for a little while
& slowly then, my smile fades
When I realize that I've made
Another big mistake in thinking my heart might for once behave

Alas, it's still so dark outside
& cold within my bed
Wishing you were here just gives me false hope that I've come to dread
But as I said, I just can't stop
My heart wants what it wants
It's just too bad that it won't ever listen to my brain, which knows that you'll just taunt
me with your words & with your eyes
With your lips & with your lies
I can see through your disguise
But despite that I still fantasize
& then some days you still surprise
me with your heart, wrapped up in paper
With a bow & the promise of later
Later when you've time for me
Later when you've found the key
Later when perhaps you'll be
Ready to be my one & only

Until then I guess I'll wait
Like Alice at the garden's gate
& I'll just have to count on fate
To bring what I anticipate
Everything must all work out
At some point it all comes around
So I've been giving all my best
Hoping to get this love off my chest
Hoping that I'll learn from the rest
Hoping you know I love you the best.