as i sit.

& as I sit

Trying to forbid myself

Trying to console myself

Trying to scold myself

From doing what I shouldn't

For wanting what I shouldn't

For thinking like I shouldn't

My mind travels swiftly to that dark place I have hidden

Like a mouse in a maze

Very quickly I find my downfall lurking, waiting to pull me back in

The warmth of alcohol brings me to this secret

Makes me consider it yet again

Makes me wonder

Makes me search

I know I can't return to that life

Mustn't

It will only leave me empty & alone

& so I sit

Trying to remember

Trying not to remember

Trying to slip away into the night

Loneliness is a funny thing

Forces you to confront your demons

Tell them you're through

Tell them you want no more

Tell them you're stronger now

Enough to say No

Even if you don't believe it yourself

At the same time

You relish in independence & self-reliance

You wish to share these moments with another

At the same time

You enjoy taking your whole bed

You still wish someone else was on the other side

At the same time

You want to be alone

But you really don't.

As I sit

I realize I am stronger than my habits

I realize I am responsible for my choices

I realize I am the decision maker

It feels strange but welcome

Except when that poisonous heat creeps up from the wine in my belly

& forces me back into thoughts of destruction

But I can take it on

All of it

& my feelings change, then

I know I don't need it

I know I don't want it

As I sit

I know I can do this.

& so I sip

From my glass

Feel the warmth creeping in

Feel the thoughts coming on

Feel me drive them away

Confidently make small talk

& pretend nothing has happened

But everything has changed

as I sit.

white knight.

White knight
come save me from my tower
i built it all myself, every stone.
for each you take away, i simply lay another down.
to reach me you will have to give yourself along the way.

white knight
come save me from the people
who laugh at imperfection, every fault.
for each look you give me, i know you disagree.
to reach me you will have to give yourself along the way.

white knight
come save me from the world
its stresses drag me under, too deep.
i feel your heart burning, so distracting..
but to reach you, i will have to give myself along the way.

white knight
come save me from myself
a clash of mass confusion, too messy.
i feel my heart fluttering, my head wondering.
for to reach you i will have to give myself along the way.

white knight
you save me from it all
but will you let me save you too?
i feel your eyes searching, my lips quivering.
to reach us, we will have to give ourselves along the way.

white knight
we'll save each other
a meeting of two hearts, electric
i sense heat creeping, smiles sneaking..
we can reach it if we give ourselves along the way.

after you've gone.

named after the song by Bessie Smith. look it up!


how may i decide what to feel
when everything around is so surreal?
your love seems like it couldn't possibly be real.
so how should i know what to feel?

if you were to leave, i couldn't follow.
wouldn't follow, no tomorrow.
you'd miss me when the dust had settled.
you'd miss me when your world had mellowed.

but i'll move on because i should.
because i would, i know i could.
one day when you're alone & blue
you'll think of me & how i was true.
you'll wish you'd stayed & done the same
when i take someone else's name.

i sat outside today.

I sat outside today
Hoping the sun would burn my thoughts away
I soaked it in
Through my skin
Waited for them to leave me
But I can't get you off my mind
No matter which poison I choose
Oh what will I do?
The leaves have changed color
Like we have changed & grown
Soon I'll shed these useless layers
That used to protect me from the world
Maybe then I can break free
Maybe I can fly
Maybe then I'll fly to you
My Lucy in the sky
My story is different
It's been told many times
& each time it changes
In rhythm & rhyme
I miss you so dearly
I can't see you clearly
I wish I could hold you somehow
But all I can think of
Is your arms around her
& that shuts me up for a while.
I pray that you'll soon take me
That you'll leave her & choose me
& we could be happy, I know
It could be forever
It feels like now or never
I promise I won't want to let you go
Again.

silly knight.

you were a knight,
noble & true,
but i couldn't handle that about you.

you tried to save me,
mostly from myself,
but of course you couldn't do that,
silly knight.

too stubborn.

almost a prince charming,
but that went south too;
when i left,
i know you cried,
please don't think i didn't miss you.

but to leave i had no choice
i had been held there for too long;
keeping to one place
doesn't sit well
with hummingbirds like me.

it makes us think.

& that's a bad thing.

so, you see, i had to go
& flit about alone,
to realize for myself
the truths that you had told.

& now we're so unsure
if what we did was right
now all i wish for myself
is that you'll hold me through the night.

love is fleeting.

Love is fleeting
Our love was prematurely murdered
Plucked like a tiny sprout too early from the earth
Our roots didn't have the chance to grow and build stability
And so love collapses
But not completely.
Love is fleeting
Your love was offered as a reward
The nectar deep inside a bloom
My hummingbird wings hover quickly, gently
But I can't reach it without your help
I need to feel you.
Love is fleeting.
Our love was stolen
Future changed
Who knows what could've happened?
Would've, if I'd stayed
I feel the urge to say I'm sorry
But for what I'm still unsure
I have these feelings, yes
But they come at me in surges
Waves, ebbing & flowing
The difficulty is in the distance, Doll.
What are we to do of that?
So young, still time
Right?

trouble. (song)

unfinished song. i'm working on it. :P

I've seen trouble in my time
& it's always in my mind
But it's never been enough to make me run.
I just take it as it comes
I can't let it overcome me
I am strong & I will beat this thing I dread.

(chorus)

I've seen trouble in my time
& she has soft eyes like mine
& her hair, it changes color every day..
If you see her walkin through
Just know that she don't want you,
She is mine & we've a game we've got to play.

(chorus x 2?)

Now this trouble will be through
Once I put on big girl shoes
& I tell her I am tired of all her ways..
I'll just stand up & walk tall
& I won't see that girl at all
Maybe then she'll disappear without a trace

the outside. (song)

this is a song i'm trying to write. it's unfinished as of yet.

Let me tell you from the inside
Cuz I know from the outside
That scars get dull after time
& I've been where you are
& I'm fine..

I know it's hard to quit it
But if you can omit it
The world will be more sunlit
& you will see how happy you get
You'll see how happy you get..

(chorus (higher):)
Let me tell you from the outside
Cuz I know from the inside
It seems you'll never get out alive..
Only you can say 'forget it'
You know you won't regret it
& I know it's a matter of time..

(More to Come.)

holes in my memory.

Holes in my memory
Floating like bubbles in a sink
Popping when prodded
Disappearing into the air
Blocked out sections
Void & null
Nothing moves or passes through
Lyrics swim continuously upstream
Toward my mouth & through my brain
Emerging often & confidently
Deeply if I dive
I can try to coax some more
Information glides to the surface in a whirl.
Old friends, new questions, & a glass of wine
Take me back into hidden depths
I don't know how to feel.

& now, may i present...

my early twenties. whew! the drama is over! NOT. good luck.

the unknown.

BEWARE. this is byfar my longest piece ever. so prepare yourself.


my words are empty
since you've been away
i'm taking on your qualities
to bring you back
so my words are empty
i don't mean what i say
it all feels so useless
so miniscule & unimportant
so i sit here
contemplating suicide
like we used to do
rocking on the porch swing
speaking of razors & ropes & pistols
wondering idly if we truly
could make ourselves
if we truly
could leave all this behind
for the unknown
oh, but the unknown
sounds so dramatic
sounds so cheap & idiotic
& how i'd miss the trees, dear
maybe there are no trees in the unknown
& i do so love the colors
maybe there are no colors in the unknown
but we'd take the leap anyhow
into nothing
into everything
into the looking glass
into the ocean
would there be music?
would there be love?
the unknown cannot possibly fathom
the contagious affliction
that is love
can it?
& i'm still broken
a mess that no one can clean up
because of you, i maintain
you ran off with
the missing pieces
& now i'm broken
shattered
a puzzle
never to be finished
but maybe if i remain
rocking on the porch swing
contemplating suicide
you'll come back to me
somehow
return with open arms
although singed from the fires
burned & bleeding throughout
tattered clothing barely hanging
over your charred limbs
walking with some infernal gait
your eyes beseeching
frightened & lonesome
maybe you'll touch me
gingerly
so as not to scare me away
like a doe in the forest
delicately, with blackened fingers
leaving soot stains on my soft skin
& like a deer in the headlights
i'll oblige
entranced & enthralled
by the trainwreck at my feet
you beg for my hand
& i cannot yank it back
despite the fear of corruption
& decay you shine on me
come with me, darling,
into the unknown, you say
& though i'm unsure
& fearful
i'll oblige
& i'll take the leap anyhow
into nothing
into everything
will there be music?
will there be love?
the unknown must of course
know of love
clearly, it must
but i'll still appear broken
even moreso in the unknown
in the dim, disdainful illumination
where time ticks away
slowly
& we can feel it
draining from us
every second
tick, tock
tick
tock
& i know you walk beside me
though i can't feel you anymore
your hand or your presence
are you still there?
have you disappeared again?
this place feels so desolate
like an empty street at 2 in the morning
flickering streetlamps
bleeding yellow intermittently
into shadows
but in this place, the unknown
shadows do not flee from light
they shuffle & saunter out to meet us
or maybe just me
where have you gone?
as if unaware of their places
in the world
my world
but this is the unknown
& faceless, ever-moving demons
wrap their arms around me
pulling me in
away from you
but then,
looking back,
were you ever there?
were you ever beside me?
they pull me furthur down
underneath
into the sewers of the unknown
where the dripping never ceases
infection never fades
is ever-prominent
as water in a rainstorm
& as the fiendish fiends drag me
struggling
through their radioactive underworld
glowing, toxic sludge
covers everything
drooling slowly
or hardened like wax
petrified drops suspended everywhere
& sickly rodents scurry sluggishly
through & through
the path i take
in & out
& suddenly
i hear windchimes
light & airy
devilish, melancholy windchimes
threatening
menacing
twinkling..
windchimes
relentless bell tones
never sleeping
never joyous
only twisted, tormented, & troubled
tortured echoes
so there is music
in the unknown
i guess you could say
but as yet,
of love i know not
stepping blindly through this thick darkness
as the sickening melodies resonate
the shadows are changing
the captors of my mind & heart
& soul
(do i still possess a soul?
or has it, too, eluded me?)
the thieves of my organs
they become brightly-colored clowns
bright red dripping from their cynical smiles
of shining pointed teeth
too wide in their faces
smiles invading their cheeks
too far
black dahlia smiles
bright blue cyanosis skin
bruised & flaking
sunburnt & freckled
bright white hair
falling out in tufts
disintegrating on the spot
& eyes like black holes
sucking in everything around them
including my shallow breath
i can almost see that tiny ball of compressed energy
beneath the veils of black lashes
but then
breaking my enchantment
i scream
an awful, earsplitting, deafening scream
but the medicated child-stealers
do not react as expected
they simply chuckle deceitfully
still jeering
licking their lips
dry & splitting
forcing my hands
above my head
& holding them there
as i feel a wall behind me
cold, merciless stone
they crush me against it
again & again
in & out
through & through
biting my neck
scratching my arms
cutting into me
i cannot cry
tears will not reach my
eyes wide shut
i feel red trickling down
& then slimy tongues
that lap it up
so i focus on a sound
almost unrecognizable
pleading an escape
& it hales me back, compassionately
onto the rocking porch swing
& your eyes
like black holes
sucking everything in
until i can't even see the tiny ball of compressed energy
& breaking my enchantment
i scream
but you cover my mouth
stopping it too suddenly
like a music note with the tongue
leaving a reverberating question
requesting an explanation
with your brows sewn together
but i have no answer
in fact i know not
of what you speak
it all sounds like gibberish to me
i look upon your moving lips
but understanding doesn't come
no utterance of yours
makes any sense to me
& then
just as quickly as the memory relieved me
it evades me just as quickly.
& i am left, alone
one second rocking on the porch swing
contemplating suicide
& the unknown
where i have been recently
& return to
every other second
breathing in two worlds
half in the daylight
& half withering away
on cold, merciless stones
praying for tears
that will not come
for death
that i cannot swallow
& the next second, back again
the porch swing now rocks empty
as i take the leap anyhow
out the window
&, after falling for some time,
return to the unknown, forever
where you stand waiting
in & out
in & out
your appearance shifts & spins
with my blinking, watering eyes
& the creaking, swinging fluorescent fixtures
but then
we stroll curiously down
the now-all-too-familiar street
of slippery, pitiless rock
at 2 in the morning
streetlamps bleeding yellow
onto shrieking, faithless shadows
& the daisies in the unknown
they're rather strange
how very peculiar
curiouser & curiouser
their blooshot eyes penetrate
me
down to the
core
their empty, lifeless stares sending me
into near convulsions
i squeeze my eyes wide shut again
& look away
our hands are glued together
for i won't let you get away from me again
but something else has changed
in our discovery, inhabitance, & acceptance
of the unknown
your mouth has been sewn shut
your throat cut out, ears mutilated
& so your poisoned blood drips eternally
from your head & neck
you cannot speak or hear me
but somehow i am inside your head
& my eyes have been sewn shut
my voicebox stolen, ears mutilated
& so my tainted blood drips forever
from my head & neck
i cannot see or hear you
but somehow you are inside my head
along with the sound-bitten memories
of the ticking & tocking
of psychotic clocks
winding down too slowly
our time lost
of the slight rustling
of evil, dangerous leaves
slicing the evening breeze
whistling an eerie chorus
the almost-silent laughter
satisfied & taunting
of the serpentine jesters
repeatedly taking advantage
of sweet vulnerability
& the soft jingling
of crazed & wicked windchimes
ringing alarming harmonies
for there is music
in the unknown
but the unknown
knows love not.

sleepwalker.

among others, also ended up in my creative writing final.


his footsteps echoed through the bleak fog of late nights.
he jumped suddenly at the sound of a dead leaf crunching beneath his tread.
he heard a shuffling, then, to his right, and he stopped dead, holding his breath.
silence.
after a moment he assured himself that it had been nothing.
a trick of the mind or perhaps a small animal, frightened by his midnight stroll.
the fog on this night was unusually thick, and his appearance quite disheveled.
his dark hair clung to his forehead in the humidity
his hands were dirty, feet bare.
he wore simply a white cotton shirt and plaid boxer shorts
and he smelled the coming storm.
the moon and stars were invisible behind the thick clouds rolling in
it would only be a short while before they opened
tumbling fat raindrops down to the already-damp earth.
he continued his trail, following the sidewalk.
unsure of his destination, he trusted his feet, and they lead the way.
after what seemed like miles, his feet halted.
straining his eyes peering through the darkness
his dilated pupils informed him that they had arrived at a cemetery.
he was startled by the place, but did not question it.
he could now make out white and gray stones jutting out from the cold dirt on which he stood
rooted to the ground, as he surveyed his mysterious location.
the place was enclosed by several surrounding trees
as well as a short, wrought-iron fence with one gate
through which he had come.
one tree stood out among the others.
a single weeping willow was grounded on a slight hill
a small ways away from the tombstones.
he felt a strange attractive force pulsating from the willow
and before his mind could suggest it to him
his legs were already making their way toward it
slowly, calmly, without hurry
though the magnetic-like pull of the tree felt quite strong.
upon reaching their target, his legs stopped abruptly
and he realized how monstrous the thing was once he stood beside it
as he also noted it's peculiar, comforting aura
unexpectedly overwhelming him with feelings
of safety, love, peace, and warmth
despite the chilled breeze making his hair stand on end.
his ears noticed, then, a soft, sweet melody
near a lullaby, carried along through said breeze.
simultaneously, his violet irises contracted
and he saw a bright white light, seemingly floating
beneath the safe haven created by the willow branches.
his arms reached up, then, and his hands parted the leaves slowly
tired eyes focusing on a young girl
dressed in a flowing white gown, dancing joyously
bouncing off of her toes and into the air.
at first it appeared she had not seen him
but when she caught his eye, she jumped
and, startled, hid quickly behind the enormous trunk
he smiled at her, as warmly as he could
when she attempted to steal a peek at him, still behind her tree.
he held his hand out to her, asking for the next dance
she squinted, and recognition filled her face
she instantly smiled quite happily, though with ghostly tears in her translucent eyes
she tip-toed lightly from her willow
and he watched the first raindrop pass through her
and making a soft pat on the grass over which she hovered
then, with a graceful curtsy, she obliged him
and the two danced
though living in different worlds
on different planes
they danced despite the impossibilty
despite her tragic and untimely end
despite his lonely despair at the death of his love
they danced until the first ray of sun peeked over the horizon
he, dripping rainwater and she, still soft and dry as before
at the sight of the breaking dawn
she turned to glide away from him, with a tearful frown
he called to her, with the tortured lament of a songbird
separated from his lifelong mate
forever yearning.
she turned then to look upon him once more
and reached out with a hand of simply vapor
before disappearing into the mist of a new morning.

tears running down his cheeks
he cried his tormented cry
and called his anguished call
until his throat was sore and his voice hoarse
and then he walked home the same way he came
but with purpose this second time
as he reached the front door
he paused and decided against the house
and for the shed in the backyard
so he crossed the front lawn
feeling the sodden earth squish between his toes
and, upon reaching the decrepit shed
he opened its creaking doors
reached in, and grabbed the rope he knew he'd kept.
then, without bothering to close or lock up the shed
he turned, with his arm around the bundle of thick twine
and followed his now-familiar path to the cemetery and it's willow
and her.
the walk seemed much more brief this time
perhaps because the sun was shining brightly
perhaps because he knew where he was going
or perhaps because he knew what he was to do when he got there.
in any case, upon his arrival
he proceeded to tie one end of the rope into a knot
throwing it up around one particularly strong branch of the willow.

with the other end
he tied a slip knot.

slightly resembling an old-fashioned noose.

slipping the latter end around his neck
he tightened it somewhat, and climbed a small ways up the immense tree.

then, at a comfortable height
he let go.


swinging slightly, he hung by the neck
struggling only for one short moment
and then resolutely ceasing all motion.

that night, she returned
and in her flowing white gown
she commenced her ethereal dance

this time, however, she was not alone.




nor would she ever be so again.

in memory of her.

checkerboard tiles
shining like glass
slippery with the overflow
of soapy bathwater

sopping lace curtains
lying in a heap
ripped from the bar
by grasping hands

diluted cherry juice
crawling up through the eyelet
replacing the white
never stopping
swiftly absorbing itself
searching for something

splattered walls
crying an unnatural color red
grout bleeding profusely

antique tub still leaking
tainted water
runs down its legs
gathering into bruised puddles
staining the floor underneath

weakened from the strain
coupled with old age
the ceiling below
begins to drip morbidly

sickeningly

drip, drop
drop, drip

onto dirty dishes
& rusted knives
in the scum-covered sink

removing flies
sending them fleeing
to the overflowing garbage
which their maggot children inhabit

drip, drop
redness trickles down shards
of plates once pristine
as the grandfather clock
chimes out of tune
in the next room
a century & a half late

forcing ancient piano strings
into exhausted vibrations
echoing pitchy waves
off of blank, distraught walls
& molding hardwood floors

reverberating the story
over & over
it repeats itself
through invisible hands
playing the heavily dusted ivory
requesting an audience
beckoning
with intertwined limbs
twisting & twitching
come play with us

eerie in the silence
they whisper softly
barely heard
over the ghostly melody
of broken, run-down keys

hauntingly lingering
like blood rushed to the cheeks
innocent & satanic
as a sudden blush

the troubled lullaby travels along the paths
of yellow light creeping up the stairs
seeping under the bathroom door
onto shining checkerboard tiles

black & white
in a past life

a cursed yin & yang
bitter & psychotic

centuries old
now rotting in their places

drowning themselves in filth
save one small spot
that time cannot touch

where her delicate pale hand lay, fallen
after clutching desperately at the humid air
yanking the curtains down in a fit of agony
losing strength as the blood slowed
falling with a light thud
with twitching fingers
& then an unbearable stillness

a sharp, biting coldness

that hasn't left yet.

hitler.

we need(ed) a powerful man
& the fuhrer knows all
we will force our place into the world
put fear in the hearts
& tears in the eyes
of our enemies
we are desperate
we are human (for the time)
we will follow
when there are food lines
dictatorship is possible
almost excusable
don't think you wouldn't
don't think you're above
you might vote
the wrong way
give the people what they want
gilded leaders bring you up
just to drop you further down
longer fall
harder crash
& when the dust settles
when the bullet hits the wall behind
realization sets in
what have we done?

jumping.

jumping
flying
falling
screaming
crying
& splat.

red fanning out like a halo
from the broken skull
matting his blonde hair
flowing out onto the sidewalk
spreading into a fragmented heart shape
how ironic
he painted a terrifyingly beautiful picture of death
& my, was he drop dead gorgeous
no pun intended

sunlight tracing the secret smile on his lips
his empty blue eyes staring blankly
at the feet of those
who rushed to the scene
broken cheek crushed into the frozen concrete
lips growing bluer with every passing second
scream still echoing
hanging in the air
or perhaps just in the heads of the witnesses
ringing in our ears
because we all know
deep down
that his was not a fearful scream
not one of depression
nor one of self-loathing
it was not a scream
to leave horror in the eyes of passersby
or an ache in their hearts
it was a scream of joy
of happiness
of contentment
of relief
of freedom
of surprise
& then it was cut off.

so suddenly.

by the sound of bones breaking
& the sonic boom
of a soul's departure.

we all hoped he was heading somewhere better
better than this heap of garbage in which we live
which we call home
in which we thrive, every day
with a rain cloud hovering over our heads
& with cracks in our hearts
like the cracks in his skull.

the stranger with the heart-wrenching,
breath-stopping,
tear-inducing,
ear-piercing,
mind-boggling scream
he was just lucky enough to realize himself
in one decisive moment
that all anyone has to do to find happiness

is jump.

& the hippos were boiled in their tanks.

staring into the clouds above
soon to part for incoming stars
i swing from the bar on the ferris wheel
keys to the circus grounds jangling in my pocket

echoing through the empty space
bouncing off the billowy fabric of the striped tents
apparently quite flammable
once-bright colors dark-washed by twilight
bleak & sad in remembrance

the piles of ashes
still lay in wait
untouched
but by the slight breeze

the glass boxes stand eerily empty
soot seemingly crawling up from the bottom
but disappearing halfway up
its desperate fingers impatient

the haunting music returns to my head
like a twisted jack-in-the-box tune
a psychotic music-box lullaby
choruses writhing in my mind
riding a roller coaster through this ferris wheel

i hear the screams of the public once again
only a murmur under the booming cries of the ringmaster
the acrid smell of smoke & hot metal
assails my poor nose
& i cough, rattling my keys again

sending more sound waves into the numerous folds of weary parachutes
that enfold the main attractions
other tents look ominous
next to the roped-off area
yellow caution ribbons flowing with a terrifying beauty
laughing demonically
mocking the whole place
& all its former glory

for the hippos were boiled in their tanks.

the hummingbird.

much like the hummingbird, my dear
zipping off to here or there
& i don't know if i should stop
& land for then i might have to
think of what i've done & do
to you & us & me & they
& if i do i'll end up gray
perhaps in blue i meant to say.

i rush from place to spot & back again
for time i've lost & when
i land my stop is brief to be sure
hurting isn't what i seek
from me or us or you or they
& surely i'll hold them at bay
if only i will not slow down
& keep you coming round for me.

a mile a minute for all the hours
in the day but when i sleep or dream
a million fright'ning dreams & toss & turn
& cannot speak

& so i flutter by again & touch the petals of the daisy
oh how i'd be your shining sun
if not the clouds so hazy.

so dream a little dream of me
think not of what's become of me
for you'll be tortured by the thoughts
of my own destructivity.

still here.

& so i stare intently
into the eyes of passersby
they allow no emotion
they give nothing away
but hold nothing back
they are empty

empty as the bed in which i sleep
alone, now that he is gone away

the pillow still dented
in the place where he dreamt
those dreams of his
where he thought those thoughts
that kept him awake through long nights

blankets still mussed
in his form
where he should be, the bastard
but he left
like he said he wouldn't

the shower door still drips
crying
tearing through the silence
too thick even for knives
it's frightening, this neverending quiet

the bathroom is still thick with humidity
& words unspoken
hanging themselves there
invisible to the eye
but neon to the heart

mirror steamy
with leftover anger
fogging my vision
i can't see myself clearly
nor could he

i can still smell his cologne
still hear his gravel voice
humming me softly to sleep
drawing me out of my shell
& into his strong arms

i can still hear his footsteps
over the hardwood floor
shuffling to lift the suitcase
pausing with a hand on the doorknob
& sighing out the door
leaving me here
to be without him
with the intention of never returning

never to sing to me again
like those sizzling rainy nights
when we left the windows open
to listen to the drops
splashing on the windowsill
in time with our heavy breathing

i can still hear him
still feel him
still breathe him
like he's still here.

there she stands.

there she stands
drowning in twilight
pretty as a pistol
the perfect imperfection

wondering if hookers look like hookers
at their open-casket funerals
& whether broken smiles really hide
the tears that bring on bleeding wrists

& there she stands
drowning in silence
a beautiful disaster
the correct misdirection

wondering which way is up
which is down, which to go
& what is left when the world
crashes down around you

& there she stands
drowning in resonance
morbidly gorgeous
the discreetest indiscretion

wondering what to do now
that her fears have overtaken her
& whether taking her own life
will really stop the pain



& there she stands
drowning in her own screams
does anyone hear?
her heart racing, pounding, breaking
does anyone hear?
like a star falling, crashing, burning
does anyone hear?
the wind rustling, whispering lies
does anyone hear?
like a pistol shot in the dead of night
echoing in the surrounding silence
did anyone hear?
like a crushed rose she lies
a heap of stepped-on petals
ripped & broken in the street
bleeding, crying, wondering
why no one heard



dragged back into reality
there she stands on the black pavement
bathed in yellow streetlamp light
listening to her reverberating scream
wondering why no one can hear



there she stands
drowning in midnight
pretty as a pistol
the perfect imperfection.

naivety.

your apple juice is spiked
rosy cheeks simply rouged
innocent eyes behind big yellow daisies
devilish grin spoiling the naivety
hike your skirt a little higher
& pretend your sparkling cider
is the most expensive of champagnes
blowing smoke rings in the dark
and coughing them away

turn your head & hide those tears
taking comfort in that
which once you feared
rusted razor blades in sparkling dreams
shiny bubbles floating along slimy trails
oh precious one, die with me
breathe with me, drown with me

skinned knees and split lips
bruised arms and sunken eyes
it's a terrible disguise, love
we all know your truths
& most of your lies
your transparency
gives you away

hook me up, lover
i need a fix of that
tainted love you give me
you're my syringe
my tourniquet
that boiling liquid
& the strip of foil
the fine white powder
& the razor blade
the shot glass
& the burning fire inside it
that tiny blue pill
which makes me sleep so well
you're all mine
& i'm addicted
& you hurt so good.

your kiss, it burns like fire
& you travel down my throat
past my navel, in a frenzied mood
i feel the atmosphere shifting about
as your movements speed
quickly as your racing heart
now quickly as mine
my frantic hands search
for something to hold onto
your lies aren't enough for me this time
not physical enough
we're physical enough
scratches on your back
from my animalistic tendencies
bitemarks in your neck
from my lack of restraint
screaming for you
at you
to you
you love me.
i own you.
you're mine & i'm yours
& we're here.

my silent serial killer.

shhhhhhhhhhh..

finger pressed against my lips
handcuffed to the bedpost
my freddy krueger

blow smoke from my cigarette
out the window
it twists, spirals, writhes its way up
to engulf the glowing moon

footsteps in the fog
but no emerging figure
my silent serial killer

man of my favorite nightmare
smothering me with the pillow
out of love, darling, i know

the shadowed frame behind me
my night stalker
with a shiny silver dagger
plunge it in my heart
just for surprise

sharp pain shoots from my neck
sweet, intense adrenaline
two puncture wounds
drain the life out
i'll be your favorite victim
all for love, my dear

heavy weight upon me
hold me down, make me squirm
pouring potion down my throat
freezes the heart & slows the blood
captures the soul
but overheats the mind & body
feverish tears, burning up
tell me lies to keep me here
in this freezing hot love spell with you

pry open my eyes
peer into my soul
then decide your desires

oversee the horrors
kept inside my head
watch the eternally shattering heart
sweep itself back up again

like a circus freakshow
look on the acts in wonder
open your mouth to scream
but no sound emitted
you're in this silent movie
enslaved here forever
out of love, sweet darling
hush now, no one will hear

dirty tetanus needles
& rusty old tin can tops
creepy smiling clowns
hold me til the blood stops

until the room stops spinning
til the world will hold still at last
til the ground will quit its quaking
til the sky & stars collapse

& as i stare into your eyes
searching endlessly for something
finally i see the love behind them
the refusal of abandon
& the fear of remaining

just stay with me here
absorbing the life
it's all i have to give
it's all that you can take
feed on me, my love.

seussicalities.

this was for my creative writing final. :)


mint-green & bubblegum-pink stripes spiral up the twisted trunks of cherry blossom trees. as they sway flirtatiously, dripping small pink petals, their falling razor-blade leaves make millons of tiny cuts in the curiously smooth bark. from the injuries pulse tiny scarlet rivers, flowing down to the roots & staining the earth a rich auburn. a strong coppery scent mingles with that of the surrounding blooms, & the sickening blend lingers in the twilight, ignoring the light breeze that should disperse it. i continue to skip along the brightly-colored hopscotch path, glancing warily at the razor trees on either side of me every so often, their candy-cane limbs clawing desperately at the air.

glowing insects float about, seemingly in time with the long-forgotten melodies now ringing in my ears. the little orbs flash & hover, lighting my way, far below the subtle shine of the lunar eclipse. the sprinkling of stars is a white lace veil over a black velvet sky, and while taking in the vastness above me, i feel the ground under my feet change from chalked-on dirt to coarse gravel. surprised, my eyes return unconsciously to the path in front of me, where the hopscotch chalk has vanished, and i notice several bright neon spots along the new road. squashed fireflies smolder like embers there, like burning paint splatters, dimming with each passing second as their remaining bioluminescence expends itself. my eyes well as i watch their life-lights snuffed out like candles in the night, one by one disappearing into the gravel underneath. i clench my eyes shut & try to shake the tears away, swallowing the painful lump lodged in my throat.

hot wetness trickles down my cheek before i can stop it, & i taste a familiar salty sweetness on my trembling lips. a colder drop rolls over my flush then, as another splashes on my scalp, & another, & another, before the honeyed drip-drop tune embraces me. a pleasant shiver darts down my spine with a cool stream of water, & i gaze dreamily into the ever-present rainshower. glancing into the state of perpetual twilight behind me, i can still see a few remaining lives flickering in the last minutes of the lightning bug massacre. none of the brave little soldiers will make it home tonight.

i rotate forward again, bringing my face back into the rainfall. the sky is a clear, empty blue on this side. the return of daytime is comforting, despite the apparent lack of a light source. rainbows are scattered across the slick blacktop as sunlight from an invisible sun passes through each tiny prism as it falls from an invisible cloud. a few yards ahead, i spot a seemingly impossible rectangular shadow darkening the ground, & my eyes travel upward into the sky to search for the object responsible. a bronze shape floats directly above, & nearing it, i hear the sweet song the raindrops are singing as they hit the strange tin roof & bounce off. one small step & i find that, standing underneath the perfect shelter, all tension leaves me, tears nowhere to be found, & contented relief floods my mind. beneath my own personal sanctuary, i realize that i can remain, hidden from the world, where nothing can find me but the sound of the rain.

reluctantly stepping back out into the shower, i leave puddles in the place of footprints & each seems a deep & dismal abyss, devoid of any color or life. i touch my toe to one rippling surface & suddenly i'm falling rapidly in no particular direction, writhing mid-air, my poor hands grasping nothing. a soft thud. my arms crumple under me as i attempt to push myself upright. one feverish cheek makes contact with frozen smoothness, & a faint scent of honeysuckle & vanilla reaches my nose. my eyes search frantically, confused & startled. finally sitting up, i notice that the walls--once white--are now saturated with the vivid graffiti of rejected ideas, crushed dreams, & vacant thoughts, all written in the most vibrant of inks: neon tangerine, fluorescent lime, electric blue. skeleton-like aspen trees grow sporadically throughout the room, appearing to have forced their way up right through the foundation. each trunk has been marked with an "X" in a dripping candy-apple-red spray paint. delicately, i touch the brilliant marking on one tree, & the still-wet crimson stains my fingertips as the fumes burn my eyes. a weak rustle behind me. a tremor shoots through my body & my heart thumps erratically.

whirling around on my heels at the muted sound, i face a rosebush that was not there before. radiating health & life, with full, green leaves & strong, thick stems, its withering flowers are out of place. quite curiously, they tremble, shaking dewdrops from their wilted petals & flinging them downward to evaporate on contact with black & white checkerboard tiles. quivering gently, each petal shrivels & falls, drifting, as if in slow motion, to the damp earth at the plant's feet. the sight sends me into convulsions as my heart shatters in my chest, jagged rubies cutting at my lungs & stomach, slaughtering the butterflies there. my knees buckle beneath me, & i collapse into a heap, the shrieks of bleeding butterflies resounding in my head. a shudder leaps through me as the last petal turns to ash, & a lone monarch lands on my exposed cheek & flutters its paper-thin wings, sunshine yellow and deep violet. one more jolt passes through me before my spirit leaves, & then, together forever in wonderland, the souls
of my butterfly & I echo their last goodbyes down white-walled halls with checkerboard tiles.

just machinery.

sweep up the pieces
left of your broken heart
colored glass, scrap metal, loose screws
in a little pile on the floor
duct tape & saran wrap couldn't hold it together this time



it's all mechanical
a delicate steel flower
working parts, realistic sounds

7-day warranty
some assembly required
batteries not included
attachments sold separately

just like the real thing
guaranteed.



it's just machinery.



just take another from the drawer.

crack it open

pull the lever
twist the knob
push the button
flip the switch

see the "on" light
hear it beat
smell the copper
feel the cold

snap it shut
paint it red
let it dry
warm it up

make an incision
put it in place
sew yourself up
cover the scar

make it seem real.

but it's just machinery.

oh, alice.

alice has fallen through the looking glass again
dreaming is better than living
the poison apple tasted so sweet
cider spiked with cyanide
rosy cheeks simply rouged
play croquet for your tormented soul
shoved down into the wishing well
rusted metal box shrieking underwater
pricked your finger on a rose
& you're falling, twisting, writhing
like smoke into the dark
shooting stars crashing & burning
arrow through the heart
bullet to the head
the stroke of midnight
true love's first kiss
wake from your slumber
to a pillow stealing your breath
struggling against the noose
around your pale & delicate neck
sunlight drifting through your white eyelet dress
scent of honeysuckle mingling with death
they smell your fear
rock-a-bye, baby, in the treetops
the rope snapped, dropping you
like smoldering coal
throwing you into frozen saltwater
blood slowing, freezing
mind drifting, lungs drowning
someone pulls the plug
as you lay choking, gasping, shivering
no warmth from the blanket of snow
you fall for the last time
into sickeningly sweet repose
trapped behind your own eyes
banging on the sheet of ice above you
screaming
alice is stuck behind the looking glass this time
dreaming is better than living.

fly away.

fly away, little butterflies of thought, fly away
upon the lilting breeze which holds you, floating
fly away, silly butterlies.

fly away, gray moths of thought, fly away.
late at night, feeling dark, breathing cigarette smoke,
fly away, dreary moths.

whirling, feeling frantic
i'm drawn to the light, for i find it so curious & strange
burning so brightly, feeling delirious
when i reach out, it moves away.

fly away, little butterflies of thought.
eaten alive by the raven.
slowly the cloud of color disintegrates
disappearing with those pesky moths.

summertime, ironically, has become quite lachrymose.
dripping melancholy chords, my heartstrings are feeling forlorn.
where to go, they wonder. which note to play, they query.
what to do, they beseech.
fly away.

the morning glories seem contrary to stars.
stars only shine in the dark of the night.
glories stretch & yawn before the light of day.
fly away.

they taunt me with their beauty.
at their vastness & presence, i'm amazed.
looking sideways, into twilight.
fly away.
just fly away.

dark fruit.

ripped my smoldering peach-pit heart right out of my screaming chest
hurled it to the ground so i could hear it shatter
jagged pieces lay in wait, smothered in sticky candy-apple red

that familiar salty sweetness trickles down to my cherry-stained lips
burning my feverish cheeks with its implied weakness
shivering slightly from the chill of the checkerboard tiles
the black & white reminding me of my tarnished innocence

rotten-banana bruises slowly begin to reveal themselves, sickeningly sweet
along with fresh new cuts, raised in rusted-razor-induced agony
my head inquiring as to their purpose
my lungs drowning in drunk sincerity
my heart drenched in strawberry wine

light-headed from my staggered breathing, convulsing from infection
radiating so much heat that my pulsing aura is glowing like an ember
watching the black tiles melt away with all the grime into a pool of filth
until i'm left alone in bittersweet insanity.

china doll.

a broken little china doll
cracked face
missing eye
scarlet lips parted
into a phony smile
cheeks flushed
with a blush
no longer innocent

a fallen little flower you are
lost petals
drooping leaves
weak stem swaying
no strength left
colors fading
with the memories
of distant pasts

a broken little china doll
no more tea parties
or playtime
no more games for you
time to grow up now
& leave childish things behind

a fallen little flower you are
no more smiling at the sun
or bathing in moonlight
no more laughter for you
time to grow old now
& leave childish things behind

a broken little china doll

porcelain shattered under pressure
crimson lipstick into blood
a dress of lace is dirty
it's ripped & tainted
corruption calls
tastes so sweet
cannot resist
fallen off
the shelf
dusty
dirty
shattered
& forgotten
crashing down
down & down & down
to the hardwood floor
through the looking glass
bleeding, bleeding out from
everywhere, everywhere, everywhere
oh it hurts, the pain, it hurts so good
but no, so bad, it hurts, the pain, the pain
it hurts.
shattered under pressure.
a broken little china doll.
a fallen little flower you are.

the taste of corruption.

enter me.
break the barriers.
read my thoughts
taste my innocence
smell my fear.

don't stop.
break the barriers.
feel my soul break apart
hear my heart shatter
like cold, clear glass.

corrupt me.
steal my breath
collapse my lungs
slow my blood
end the struggle.

finally still.

silent comatose.
piercing eyes.
staring eternally onward.
looking through everything.
lifeless. no spark. no light.
cold creeping in.
with fog, like a dream.
you wait for a sigh.

there.

i gaze at you with child's eyes
bright & new & shining
black as night & light as day
beckoning. come to me.
i beseech you.

enter me.
break the barriers.
read my thoughts
taste corruption
i am yours.

steal me away.

in silence i sleep
vulnerable
oblivious to your presence
always above me.

in silence you see
innocence
invisible in daylight
present only in darkness.

in silence i dream
terrified
of this thing inside
screaming its desperation
clawing its way out
draining my energy.

in silence you remain
night stalker
wishing to touch me
reach out, brush my cheek
end the fear, end the tears
save me from myself

like the forbidden fruit
mouth watering for a bite
but your willpower is strong.

so you keep to the shadows
watching with loving eyes
forever waiting to steal me away.

king & queen of pain.

began as a free-write, ended up in my creative writing final.


cut into me. melt my skin. part it to allow a red sea. king of pain, baby, that's you. let me be your queen? we'll rule together in vengeful harmony. our yin & yang broken-hearted flag. we'll rule over each other's demons. set up obstacles & traps. don't let me get me. we'll hide from our rain clouds & run from our shortcomings to a cave of control. we won't be lonely anymore. we'll be together. ruling our imperfect little utopia. i'll catch you when the rope snaps & drops you from the tree. you'll stop my fingers from pulling the trigger. i'll lend you my breath to keep you from drowning. you'll lend me your liver to process that bottle & those pills. we'll borrow each other's minds so we don't lose our own. our tear ducts will dry & our throats won't be sore. in our freezing hot love spell we'll stay. in our personal hells we'll remain. i'll cure your paranoia, you'll solve my confusion. we're not good enough, but we can pretend. just smile real big to draw their eyes from the crosshatching on your arms. i'll just wink & blush, bat my eyelashes to draw their eyes from the pirate's map on my belly. X marks the spot. but which X is correct? dry those baby blues while i clean my bleeding mascara. king of pain, baby. let me be your queen. we'll rule a liar's paradise, together in separate worlds, living in each other's eyes. we'll rule over our black widows, spinning & weaving webs of deceit. over our evils, burning white-hot into our retinas. we'll rule a land of solar eclipses & shooting stars, of fire & brimstone, of icicles & grassy cliffs overlooking rocky seashores, jagged stone slicing the icy saltwater. broken hearts & bleeding wrists unite. let me be yours. love me please? we'll hurt each other so good. please please please love me? rip me open, tear me apart, like paper. that's all i am. this shell i've enclosed myself in. papier mache mocking a stone wall. the cracks are already there. & your moat is only blue paint, barely a puddle, a shallow trail. no raging river or harsh white waters. the bridges are already there. i step over your paint & reach out to you, clutch you to my chest. breathe for me & i'll scream for you, because i can't find my lungs & you can't find your voice. an echo of pain shoots tremors through our land of yin & yang, of broken-hearted harmony. shards of our shattered lives fit together perfectly, like puzzle pieces meant to be. so this is what they meant when they said "cut out for one another". thunder voices our agony, our anguish & struggle, & lightning strikes the earth, creating faults in our foundation. king of pain, baby, that's you. let me be your queen.

electricity

at his touch my knees collapse
high tension at every connection
electric shock to my lips

his hands on my hips
moving downward
squeeze and pull me closer
lightning bolts shoot through my veins

overheated in the slightest
breath mingling together as steam
lips welded to each other
for the moment

their separation raises goosebumps
his mouth travels down my neck
my hands walk up his spine
clutching, clinging

he can feel the electricity in my kiss
assumes it's just desire
but i'm crazy
i love him.

the episode.

beginning in my stomach's pit
"make it bleed for me."
& then my fingers start to itch
"do it now. bleed red for me."

& i can try to fight it back
"i refuse to bleed for you."
but then it laughs at what i lack
"you're such a stupid fool."

the insults fly & as they shriek
"you're nothing; worthless, tainted.."
my will power can't help but shrink
"you'll have no sleep 'til i'm contented."

& because of promised agony
"you will give in to end your plight."
i must ignore the other pleas
"i will not hush 'til satisfied."

so i drag the blade across my skin
please just bleed for me..
& i feel it in my throat begin
please just bleed for me?

trying to push back down the knot
please just bleed for me?
alleviate this pressure wrought
please.. just bleed for me.

teardrops rolling down my face
p-please j-just bleed for me?
disappearing time & space
please.. please just bleed f-for me..

& finally i see the red
please still bleed for me
the captors of my mind have fled
a wave of relief drenches me.

& then, just like right after sex
i smoke one, shaking lightly
a cigarette for all that stress
the lit end glowing brightly

i dazedly go back inside
closing the door behind me
leaving it unlocked tonight
perhaps some strength will find me..

shatterglass.

she chained herself up
she got out the knife
knew what she was doing
didnt have to think twice

her tattered dress lay in the corner
ripped to shreds with fingernails
sharp as claws, insane as her head
shatterglass.

she yelled & she screamed
she burst into hot tears
she sliced til she bled
she cut up her fears

her broken wine glass lay in the puddle
chardonnay dripping through her fingers
running together with the blood, stinging
shatterglass.

& when she was done
she collapsed with a sigh
& knew that tomorrow
she'd ask herself why
& then she would say
to her tormented soul
that if her heart would just behave
she wouldn't have to be so cruel
but if that heart won't take its place
& stay beneath her head completely
these cuts will never heal
& these scars will never leave me.

blackened butterflies.

blackened butterflies panic overhead
shrieking 'i love you's & falling to their deaths

smothering the daylight, abusing the sky
a thousand beating wings blot out the sun

stained by soot & ash & smoke
& dripping smudged tattoo-ink notes

written to the stars on lacy fluttering things
too evil for heaven, too delicate for Hades

& so many lie crushed, covering the gravel road
these fragile messengers of death

wings broken & ripped like the petals of a rose
smashed into the ground, bleeding paint-color red

suffocating slowly in the thickening fog
frantically searching the putrefied sky

a necklace of forget-me-nots strangles me
as the heatwaves twist & pull it tight

then, tarnished like copper & tainted like love
a toxic, burning shower of acid rains down

scorching the skin, searing the flesh
setting fire to bruised & beaten souls

whose screeching then, like nails on a chalkboard,
forces me into twinges of consciousness
with pangs of regret

& blackened butterflies scream their sorrows
as they descend, tumbling slowly to the ground.

rain, rain.

rain, rain, come today
will you wash my sins away?
falling down in raindrops now
acid burns it all to clean
painfully a rebirth scene
i rise from what was once unclean
& now the scars have dripped away
with raindrops from a place unseen
anger scorches everything
sanitizing all in red
raindrops bring me back to blue
cool me down like morning dew
rain, rain, come today
will you wash my sins away?
rain, rain, come today
will you wash myself away..?

acid rain, pour down on me
burn away all that's obscene
melting skin & dripping sin
sterilize me, filth & grime
razor it away
like a stovetop, make me shine

what is to become of me?
just a rotting shell of former human being
wonder what is next for you
peel away the layers slowly
waiting to regain control
one by one they fall away
leaving you exposed & gray
torturous, these prying eyes & outstretched fingers
wait for me, my spirit lingers
don't place me high upon your shelf
for surely i'll fall harder
with a thump or a crash
or a boom or a bang
& shattered i'll lay
til swept into the trash
cracked & broken, heavily dusted
one more layer to rid myself of
but some of those disgusting layers
cannot be removed with just water & suds

sometimes soap is lacking
& sometimes water's weak
so sometimes what you really need's
a razor's cut real deep
bleed away the pain, your fear
it keeps you coming back & then your tears
they will return until you find all that you lack
just like the rushing rabbit when
he bolted down the hole
forgot his father's pocket watch
but time it was he stole
away from grand pianos held above
the heads of passersby below
when dropped the fall is sickening
the splintered scream betrothed
to that of ancient wishing wells
with echoes oh-so-true
they cry & sing & sing & cry
psychotic tunes to lovers who
like mockingbirds will wonder what to do
much like you; still wond'ring?
alice says to give yourself
the very best advice
but if you refuse to follow it
the birds will choke on rice
thrown on your wedding day
bells ring in exaltation
but when they peer beneath the veil
the bride, she has been taken
by the goblins of the underground
whose faces are unique
& who steal the socks & shiny things
from homes kept not-so-neat
so if you do remain here
be sure you know the way
for if you lose yourself as well
your mind will leave to play.

dance of the sugar plum gerunds.

heart is aching
knees are quaking
hands are shaking
soul is waking

head is screaming
lungs are heaving
arms are reaching
lips are bleeding

skin is itching
muscles twitching
ears not listening
eyes bewitching

heart is breaking
knees are quaking
joints are stiffening
ears not listening
head is screaming
wrists are bleeding
can't stop shaking
soul is waking.

impulse.

impulse.
living here, dying here.
look up to the sky.
stars.
wondering who we are.

feel a presence.
searching for words.
feel you near me.
inside me.
clawing your way out.
get out.

papercuts on my brain.
claw-marks on my arms.
cat-scratch scars on my stomach.

spinning sinister vortex.
black holes & ancient seas.
whirlpools of destruction.
drowning me out.

drowning in my ocean
of laughter, tears, & song
long-forgotten melodies
humming, ringing in my ears.

tension never letting up.
pressure still upon me.
the weight of the world
crashing waves on the shores of my mind
crushing me, compacting me
into a tiny piece of shattered glass.

the moon a spotlight on my memory.
a blemish on my utopian society.
fuming clouds roll & thunder
acid rain comes tumbling down
suffocating my ozone layer.

save me from myself.
from my lack of concern.
for those with no cares
are reckless
& those who are reckless
are dangers to themselves.

collapse from exhaustion
emotional strain
cut to make sure i still bleed
red & heavy
make sure i still breathe
feel pain.

desperately clinging
to old habits
security blankets
i wear a tattoo of a broken heart on my shoulder.

latching on like a leech
sucking the life from you
drinking rainbows
waiting for the color to sink in.

lock me in your heart-shaped box.

lock me in your heart-shaped box
& throw away the key.
words whispered through the prison bars
don't lose their charm with me.

look into this cage of hate
see me lying on a sheet of love
under a blanket made of stars
while acid rain falls from above.

i stare into your eyes & see
a white-washed wall stare back at me.
let me look upon your soul of stone
& then leave me locked away alone.

i carved your name into my arm
'cause we both know who i belong to.
& now my love drips down contented
forever shall the world construe.

forever shall i bleed for you.

so lock me in your heart-shaped box
& throw away the key..

crushed.

shaking hands & aching heart
i hold both out to you
but you turn away
into the rain

my streaming eyes
watch your long strides
stealing you from me

the beating ceases
organ freezing
before it bursts

fractured glass splinters
sprinkling to the ground
a waterfall of rubies
blending in
with the sound of raindrops

& dripping tears

invisible on the black pavement
floating along the gutters
trickling into the sewer

carrying my strangled cry
transposing it into
echoes through the underground
bouncing off stone walls

walls much like those i built
to surround me, protect me
before you knocked them down
& crawled into my core

dissected my fears
stomped on my hourglass
wrenched me from my
solemn introspection

& into your arms

yet now, here we are
you, disappearing into the night
& i,
pitifully,
screaming after you

as i sift through the sand & glass
letting it run between my trembling fingers
staring dazedly out
beyond my fallen tower

searching

for some shard of my heart
somehow left unbroken

to keep in a locket
around my neck

never to be offered

again

can't.

can't tell you that i love you.
shouldn't say it. hold it back.
it's impossible. can't be. not this soon.

right?

can't tell you that i need you.
shouldn't feel it. shut it up.
it's impossible. can't be. far too soon.

right?

can't tell you that i want you.
shouldn't want you. not like this.
it's impossible. can't be. not allowed.

right?

can't tell you you're driving me crazy.
mixed signals. love me, hate me.
it's impossible. can't be. kill me now.

please.

tell me that you love me.
it's possible. i feel it.
unrequited.

tell me that you need me.
you don't know me.
but you do.

tell me that you want me.
for forever.
& a day.

tell me i'm driving you crazy.
maybe then i'll be okay.

off-balance.

i cling tightly to your arms
begging you, don't let go
tugging on your sleeve
'cause i can't reach your heart
don't leave me here alone.

your eyes won't meet my own
those soulful wells run dry
while mine are overflowing, flooded
with salty-sweet saline tears.

you taste them in my desperate kiss
my voice a hopeful plea
a cry for love, full of defeat
for you still turn away
resisting the pull of my hands.

so strong is my grip
so persistent my limbs
wrapped around yours.
nearing strangulation
you struggle for control.



try to throw me down, away from you
but lose your balance
'cause i'm part of you now
& you know you're in love.

deny it, refuse it, push it away
you'll lose your balance.
i'm part of you now.

shove my hands back to me
untangle my legs from yours
separate your waist from my grasp
try to walk away.

you'll lose your balance.

you'll fall.

i'm part of you now.

& you know you're in love.
& you can't get away.

further & further.

i climb further & further within
the self
my self
& leave you behind

you push me further & further away
from you
from us
& let me go, alone

i reach further & further for you
to cling
to grasp your heart

you turn further & further from me
to save
to maintain life

i scream a cry
of hopelessness
& wish for love
to hear me too

you scream a cry
it's uselessness
puts me further away
from you

& so you push
& so i push
& so you push away

& so, my dear
it happens here
& so i wish you'd stay

i climb further & further within
the self
your self
& hide inside

as i child i crawl further in & in
to you
to us
don't let me go

tearfully, i clutch my fear
& latch onto you like a leech
stealing your energy
making you need me
oh please, don't leave me be

innocently, you clutch your fear
& latch onto me like a leech
stealing my love from me
making you need me
oh please, don't leave me be

soot behind my ears.

another drag, another cough
my lungs still haven't learned.
another flick, another spark
that hits the grass & starts to burn.

& as i watch the flames rise higher
can't help wondering what's in store
a painful death if i leap in
a painful life if i ignore.

& so i stand there, lost in thought
as satan's henchmen lick the walls.
beads of sweat form on my forehead
& i see my star begin to fall.

i watch as it explodes on impact
hear the earth-shattering roar
that brings me back to life
& makes me tremble to the core.

the flames still grow with malice
& sneer at me through smoke.
the realization comes to me
that my suffocation they provoke.

start feeling weak & wispy
as my mind is being taken
but still i hear my heart beat
though it's suddenly resumed its aching.

so maybe this is better
drifting high above the glow
then abruptly rain is pouring
& i'm dragged back down below.

then faintly heard is yelling
& i feel some warm embrace.
between stages of consciousness
raindrops come & cool my face.



still today i smell the putrid fumes
& there's still soot behind my ears
still i breathe in poisoned air
but there's still iodine in my tears.

another drag, another cough
my lungs still haven't learned.
another flick, another spark
i stomp it out before it burns.

without breath.

difficulty breathing
shortness of breath
overwhelming sorrow
pain or distress.

termination of life
though just one life to live
unpleasant sensation
not one moment more to give.

disease, disorder
immeasurable grief
solitude, mourning
all who knew weep.

this morning, alone
dim light shines on the bed
no longer breathing, without breath
dead.

acid accident.

dancing purple elephants
party on the windowsill
i sit & watch with jealousy
wishing that my mind was still.

my thoughts fly round my face
'til i gobble them back up
shove them down my throat
& pray they all shut up.

dancing purple elephants
are disappearing slowly
better take another hit
before my brain regains control of me.

there's a music in my head
so loud that all must hear
i dont know what the words are
but the notes evoke some fear.

& then the music changes
as color pulses through my veins
& dancing purple elephants
return for fun again.

colors swirl & blend & break
'til my eyes are hypnotized
lying on the cold, hard floor
convulsing while i'm mesmerized.

the ambulance is far too late
she's been gone for far too long
now forever dance the purple elephants
to her favorite techno song.

i am my own weapon.

staring at the razor
on the table by my hands
as the lightning tremors shoot through them
trying so hard to resist
but these weapons of mass destruction surround me.

listening to the vodka
down the hall in the cabinet
as it shatters my eardrums with a piercing call
trying so hard to break me
as these weapons of mass destruction beseech me.

thinking of the aspirin
in the bathroom by the sink
as my head thunders & my eyes start raining
trying hard to understand
as these weapons of mass destruction take over me.

wincing at my thoughts
in the front of my brain
as they sigh & smile in triumph
not trying hard at all
these weapons of mass destruction remove me.

snow.

snow is falling
on the ground
every flake
makes not a sound.

the world outside
is cold but warm
silent yet loud
despicably torn.

I know I should go
but I'll wait another day
'cause I feel safe
so I shall stay.

within your arms
'til morning light
please stay with me
& hold me tight.

you suck my life.

you suck the life from me
i shrivel and shrink
withering away
slowly, painfully
but happily, as i am with you

everyone can see the signs
purple bruises under my sunken eyes
forever leaking, tears staining my cheeks
constant coughing and eternal shaking
my slower pace and weaker embrace

they can see it
when i look in the mirror
all i can tell myself is
"be happy, you're in love"

that's what i say to the dark circles
to my shaking hands
trembling lips
tear-stained face
flushed cheeks
buckling knees
sucked-in stomach
fragile frame:

"be happy, you're in love"

"somebody loves you back"

though as i faint again
from standing too long
my fault, of course, dear
i can't help but think

that you suck the life from me
i shrivel and shrink
withering away
slowly, painfully
and everyone can see it
everyone but you
and me.

love me, hate me, save me.

love me, hate me
try to break me
leave me lately
come & save me

love has left me
hate caught up
broken dreams
all out of luck

happiness
is make-believe
for fairytales
& homecoming queen

phony smiles
hide the tears
hurting me
helps me think clear

love has left me
hate caught up
broken smile
out of luck

always intertwined.

this may have been an attempt at a song.

& so she sits, slightly dizzy
reading without retaining a word
thinking of how she always seems to be
intertwined, it's quite absurd

 (always intertwined
 in something
 or someone
 in thought
 or in action
 always intertwined)

& so she sits, staring off
into space that's slightly spinning
thinking of the thoughts
she pretends she isn't thinking

like how she's

always intertwined
always intertwined
always intertwined
 ..until entangled

she wonders whether alice
ever woke up from her slumberland
or was it truly wonderland?
well who the fuck would know?

   well maybe she should just fall down
   into that shiny looking glass
   maybe she could simply drown
   in that wishing well of stone

for being
always intertwined
always intertwined
always intertwined
...until entangled

crash, rumble, drip.

crash.
white light rips apart the sky.
rumble.
enormous sound breaks the silence.
drip.
commencement of the storm.

crash.
cracks the vase of cloud-obscured space.
rumble.
shakes the earth with cosmic force.
drip.
millions drench the quivering soil.

crash.
barely illuminates the darkened night.
rumble.
dully booms with warm comfort.
drip.
conclusion of the storm.

multicolored hearts.

my pencil's like its owner
always breaking, never strong
red as scarlet lipstick
writing secrets on the wall

my shoe is like my life
black with multicolored hearts
like friends & fireflies in summer
all brighten overwhelming dark

my purse is like the world
full of many different things
always having room for more
though random all of it may seem

happy.

over land & sea & sky she flew
against the wind, into the blue
upon the sun she looked for light
to guide her on the lengthy flight.

warm twilights filled with fireflies
glowing like she was inside
& when the morn recieved her there
sweet melodies replaced the air

as they breathed the lightest song
the rest of the world just floated along
of this she dreams til freedom rings
& that is why the caged bird sings.

abercrombie jeans.

high school's for the strong
the weak will not survive
if ever are you insecure
they'll kill you with their pride

beware of drama mongers
they'll catch you if they can
& the rumors never stop
even if you're one of them

in a world revolving 'round
cell phones, cars, & magazines
you won't ever get anywhere
without some abercrombie jeans

so pile on the makeup
& don't forget hairspray
make sure your clothes are fitted
& you might make it through the day

now don't forget your homework
& you'd better do your chores
but oh, I don't have time
I'm too busy being bored

don't get into drugs or drinking
they will only slow you down
don't forget to keep that smile on
the boys don't like their girls to frown

never ever fall in love
it's not worth all the pain
don't buy into all the lies
heartbreak never goes away

in a world revolving 'round
cell phones, cars, & magazines
you'll never get anywhere
without some abercrombie jeans.

okay, well, to get started..

this is my new blog. all the poetry that has come out of my wonderland, some even inspired by Alice's wonderland. this is posted not in order by date, but guestimated time periods. first everything from my teen years, then into my early twenties. i wanted to make myself a space to write-or type poetry as i had it. so here it is. look around.