as i sit.

& as I sit

Trying to forbid myself

Trying to console myself

Trying to scold myself

From doing what I shouldn't

For wanting what I shouldn't

For thinking like I shouldn't

My mind travels swiftly to that dark place I have hidden

Like a mouse in a maze

Very quickly I find my downfall lurking, waiting to pull me back in

The warmth of alcohol brings me to this secret

Makes me consider it yet again

Makes me wonder

Makes me search

I know I can't return to that life

Mustn't

It will only leave me empty & alone

& so I sit

Trying to remember

Trying not to remember

Trying to slip away into the night

Loneliness is a funny thing

Forces you to confront your demons

Tell them you're through

Tell them you want no more

Tell them you're stronger now

Enough to say No

Even if you don't believe it yourself

At the same time

You relish in independence & self-reliance

You wish to share these moments with another

At the same time

You enjoy taking your whole bed

You still wish someone else was on the other side

At the same time

You want to be alone

But you really don't.

As I sit

I realize I am stronger than my habits

I realize I am responsible for my choices

I realize I am the decision maker

It feels strange but welcome

Except when that poisonous heat creeps up from the wine in my belly

& forces me back into thoughts of destruction

But I can take it on

All of it

& my feelings change, then

I know I don't need it

I know I don't want it

As I sit

I know I can do this.

& so I sip

From my glass

Feel the warmth creeping in

Feel the thoughts coming on

Feel me drive them away

Confidently make small talk

& pretend nothing has happened

But everything has changed

as I sit.