shrinking syllables.

try as i may i cannot pause the racing thoughts within my head
but if i were to stop so suddenly, i'd surely end up dead.
& this thought is the one that keeps me rounding 'bout the circle track:

if i lose momentum, i might start to notice things i lack
grace & poise & fucking class & all that ladies should broadcast
qualities that i, myself, could never ever hope to grasp.

i think & then i turn around & then i think again
& wish for changing mirrors with my open eyes & then
i think of who i am & who i used to be back when

razors called to me for every hour of my day
minutes, even seconds, feeling pain not kept at bay
shortly after seeing red i knew what i became:

a small, slightly awkward ball of shivering quakes
resounding into nothingness as i migrate
back into my shell, cracking like an ancient plate.

& now to screw discretion i wear short sleeves
prepare for judgment as annoying as fleas
look into eyes & ask a very small, 'please?'

you pretend to know me without seeing
i decide to show you what i'm being
we have very diff'rences in meaning.

confusion settles in all the time
perhaps if i could understand rhyme
you could possibly be somewhat mine

don't you realize what you're missing?
that these lips you could be kissing?
then we could start reminiscing

about days that have long gone
little mistakes that were wrong
plans that kept us dreaming on

but now what's left is us
shattered & without love
never cooing like doves

i'll leave you with this
was ignorance bliss?
seal it with a kiss

can you resist?
let's make a list
things that you'll miss:

all my love
like a drug
my laughter

my voice
my taste
your choice:

stay
or
go.

you're not.

i relish living in your memory
breathing slowly
so as not to scare the thought away
can't reach out to touch you
you're not there
you're not here
you're not

play our song on repeat
feeling it within me
take another drink
breathing slowly
so as not to scare your face away
can't reach out to hold you
you're not here
you're not there
you're not

unfulfilled, sitting, dreaming
wishing you could hear my pleading
searching everywhere for everything
i should be finding inwardly
but it's not there
it's not here
it's not

where to look
where to turn
where to go
when to burn
thinking brings anxiety
breathing faster, tenderly
i touch the photo quietly
find a lighter too quickly
& raise them both quite fluidly
watch our smiles go up in flames
watch our happiness fall away
watch our past becoming ash
it blows away within the wind
i feel your memory again
feel it make the tears begin
they fall in silence onto stone
& once again i'm left alone
just memory to keep me whole
because you're not here.
you're not there.
you're not.

this is me.

the blade calls to me
beckoning
with razor fingernails
& i don't care why
& i don't care it's been so long
judge me if you please
it's not your skin that bleeds
it's mine alone & mine to bear
dealing in the way i choose
my body, soul, my war to lose
tired of fighting, sick of blame
all of you project your shame
keep it to yourself, 'cause i don't give a damn
i'll do what i want & all i want is blood
missing the red, missing the pain
always visible, slightly burning
nothing here can cease my yearning
can't drown it in booze like the rest of you
you're no better than me
i don't care what you see.

in the dark i wait & bleed.

in the dark they come for me
thoughts that whisper lies & thieve
what little faith which may remain
what little strength i have to claim
razors call aloud my name.

superficially i hide
from what i'd like to leave behind
but to distract is not enough
& to ignore is just too tough
when won't these nights alone be rough?

nobody seems to understand
the reasons behind where i am
i talk & they're all hearing me
but none are really listening
& even if they were, they couldn't know how i've grown to believe
in things like razors, ropes, & pistols
even all my little sisters
looking to a disrespectful
naughty girl with good intentions.

every day i laugh & smile,
think maybe in a little while,
i might believe the phony truths
i spew in my excessive youth
but when my heart drowns in vermouth..
i cannot help but choose the wrong
the darkness helps me carry on
perhaps it's just a part of me
enough that i can't even see
who, without this, that i could be.

i try to stop the growing thoughts
alleviate this pressure wrought
but nothing will suffice except
the pleasant burn of slicing depth
& this will last until i've slept
& dreamt the dreams i'm sure to feel
all the ones that seem so real
that scare me from my silent slumber
make me think i'm too outnumbered
wake me up so i can wonder
if this pain will ever cease,
desist & let me live in peace
again i must give in to greed
i get up just to do the deed
after which i must concede
defeat
& then i wait & bleed.

thinking of you.

In the wee hours of the morning
When all is dark & there's no light
I look for you & all that's right
I think of you & I take flight
My dreams fly on with wings outstretched
Over land & sea & better yet
Over mountains made of paint still wet
& trees & brush & floral sets

I fly on & can't help myself
You interject & wreck yourself
You've left me high upon your shelf
& it's too high for me to drop
I wish you'd just decide to stop
But if you did I'd cry & cry
If you did I'd surely die
& I'm not sure exactly why
I'm so attached to this one guy

Why can't I just let him go?
Let those thoughts float out windows
I get so stuck in my own ruts
If only I could trust my guts
But they have lied to me before
& I don't want to reopen that door
The one that leads right down that path
Toward you, perhaps my better half

See, just look, my thoughts have gone
& run right into you again
I just can't stop my silly mind
From wishing you could be all mine
Every night I lay in bed
Thinking bout the things you've said
I twist them round to make me smile
I relish for a little while
& slowly then, my smile fades
When I realize that I've made
Another big mistake in thinking my heart might for once behave

Alas, it's still so dark outside
& cold within my bed
Wishing you were here just gives me false hope that I've come to dread
But as I said, I just can't stop
My heart wants what it wants
It's just too bad that it won't ever listen to my brain, which knows that you'll just taunt
me with your words & with your eyes
With your lips & with your lies
I can see through your disguise
But despite that I still fantasize
& then some days you still surprise
me with your heart, wrapped up in paper
With a bow & the promise of later
Later when you've time for me
Later when you've found the key
Later when perhaps you'll be
Ready to be my one & only

Until then I guess I'll wait
Like Alice at the garden's gate
& I'll just have to count on fate
To bring what I anticipate
Everything must all work out
At some point it all comes around
So I've been giving all my best
Hoping to get this love off my chest
Hoping that I'll learn from the rest
Hoping you know I love you the best.

poetic free verse lyrical

this is actually old. i had saved the draft, but.. here it is. i do like some of this better now that i've revisited.

i'm wasting my time with this musical nonsense, this horrid extraordinary thing that i love
mechanical heart brought me round to think common sense; waste of a brain only coos like a dove
so many things i might want to be, swimming around through my consciousness
intruding upon my most favored of lyrics
from melodies stashed where nobody can hear them
loco bella, crazy beauty, that's me
but my beauty comes from the under the skin

my pretty alice girl, she fell
from high among the treetops where
she talked the birds into their songs
she coaxed them out, where they belong
she landed in this modern wonderland of sorts
where the hearts are merely trophies worn
around the necks of lovers who can't feel remorse
or worse

i'm looking through it all just like a window
without seeing anything that's really here
nothing exists anymore, on this plane i've landed in
everyone's a fake, & every heart's got to break
& that's just the way it is
i feel like half a person
walkin 'round, stumblin' down the streets i used to live
i don't know how i got into this place alone
but i know i can't stay long

shattered sun
scattered pieces
splattered heart
quick'ning paces
i don't know
where to go
but i know
i can't stay here.

freely rhyming.

you say you have no time for me
but time is all i've got, it seems
so stroke the moving clock below you
til you can transfer control to
someone other than the too few
screws that you have let loose into
chaos that obscures my world view
colors that weave in and through
lyrics that can show up blue
or maybe in a lighter roux.
i think that i shall take my cue
from morning birds that chirp and coo
perhaps i'll fly 'way someday too
if i only could undo the glue
holding my feet to the ground through my shoes.
do you think maybe one day i'll find out the truth
that all of us stay here without knowing who
we might be or what we might do?
does there exist a way to accrue
a sensible way of saying adieu
to the world you wish to leave behind you
having never a chance to really debut
the skills that persuaded you to pursue
education and knowledge, until you withdrew
convincing yourself to research other avenues
and then upon your reluctant review
did you seem to find that you wished to undo
all the decisions that helped you construe
who you were despite all of the clues
that you were nothing more than a small ingenue
with no apparent value but for secret rendezvouses?
but all of that was hitherto,
correct? or have i misconstrued?
perhaps the facts have been left askew
or do you know which ones are true?
and could you share this curious news?
would it be a big breakthrough?
might the world appear anew?
or could great tragedy ensue
in all of this silly hullabaloo?
i suppose i should try to revalue
myself so that i can say i outgrew
all the drama with which my life was imbued
but for now i'll just sit and wait while life brews
hoping i don't bite off too much to chew
it's easier now to keep me subdued.

i want to write this poetry
to get it off my chest, you see
it helps to rhyme and be sincere
if anyone will lend an ear
i promise you will end up here
where i will fill you all with cheer
or try, at least, to ease your fears
i think within our atmosphere
it frequently becomes unclear
whether or not one should like to adhere
to policies as they happen to appear
let me just say to you, as my peer
you know i love you truly, dear
but if you think of switching gears
and into a life of criminality veer
i'll take your wheel and try to steer
you back into my biosphere
where you could be my cavalier
forgive me if i interfere
but know that my love is sincere
and my opinions offer mere
support and my motives are clear
and even through the tears
i'll show you that together we're
obliged to try to persevere
in fact, we could be pioneers
and live a life of yesteryear
i'll hope that you won't disappear
and leave me on our new frontier
a foundation of trust only veneered
and underneath it's so austere
will you promise to remain this near?
or will your reputation smear
when you decide to volunteer
to keep me as a souvenir
for all about me that endears
instead the rest just tease and jeer
but don't you worry; through these tears
i will know just how to spear
the evidence that you have reared
unfortunately you're all but sheer
so i will have to domineer
and show you that this mutineer
won't just stand for all your sneers
if i must, i'll be severe
and squash you with a chandelier
if only you would reappear
i'd send you into the stratosphere
because i am only an imagineer
and you'll just be a dead sightseer.

time is such a tick-tock mess
and always causes so much stress
when you can stop your list'ning head
your dreams will stay above your bed
your time will slow itself instead
and maybe you will fill with dread
but perhaps it won't become widespread
you might just have been overfed
like all Americans are bred
to eat themselves into their deathbeds
each life is just a single thread
all connecting overhead
lightly they pull us ahead
thrust into our lives, we sped
into a world full of bloodshed
leaving so much left unsaid
i thought that maybe i should shed
the cloak of lies that i've misled
you with our whole lives spent unwed
despite the love through which we tread
i thought by now you might have fled
or beaten me like a favored drumhead
you know that i am not purebred
not good enough, and too unread
but if you can see past your hot head
perhaps you'll stay at my homestead
perhaps you'll stay within my bed
perhaps then you won't end up dead.

in love there's lots of frightening
at times i hear there can be lightning
'fore i touch your 'lectric feel
i'd like to be sure you are real
before my heart i let you steal
let us reinvent the wheel
asking love to please just heal
the lives we've ruined with so much zeal
what can i do now to appeal
to you to cause you to reveal
everything that you've concealed
in the midst of this ordeal
that you perceive as so unreal
how can i get you to repeal
the promises and swears and deals
you made them as a lying eel
a low-down, cheating, dirty heel
what can i do to get back to ideal
i could run you over with an automobile.

lol that last one made me laugh.

walking in front of cars. (song)

standing at a crossroad, waiting to decide
which way to go, which way to fly
if you knew the answer, would you tell me why
I don't know who to be without you right here by my side


you're the one who always said to stay out of the street
you know you cannot trust all of the people that you meet
I walk in front of cars just to pretend that I am blind
I walk in front of cars because you are no longer mine


(chorus)
walking in front of cars
helps me see straight
the road lies ahead of me
& I don't know which direction to take
should I dodge, or should I wait?
I don't know today.
I don't know today.


standing leads you nowhere, stuck in sinking ground
buried like a treasure, waiting to be found
if I dug you up again, would you make a sound?
if I showed you all of me, oh would you stay around?


I walk in front of cars despite the screaming of the brakes
I walk in front of cars to stop the way that my heart aches


(chorus)
walking in front of cars
helps me see straight
the road lies ahead of me
but I don't know which direction to take
should I dodge, or should I just wait?
I don't know today.
I don't know, today.


I don't know today
I don't know, today.


but ask me, tomorrow
when the sun is shining through, yeah
ask me tomorrow
& maybe I will tell the truth, oh
ask me tomorrow
if I make it through another day
..ask me if I stay.


oh, ask me tomorrow, if I stay.

nicotine. (song)

this is a very rough draft of a very rough song. lol

i'm replacin you with nicotine
cigarettes to keep my mind at ease
since i can't even see you in my sleep
i'm replacin you with nicotine

did you think that i would just forget
everything we've been through since we met?
now i can't seem to find no happiness
& nicotine is all, it seems, that i can get

so i'm replacin you with nicotine
you know you always were just like a drug for me
i've become a cold & hard machine
since i replaced your love with nicotine.

sleep, love.

sleep, love
sleep deep.
enter melatonin wonderland
a candy-coated slumberland
& float above the clouds.


dream, love
dream sweet.
enter chaos onto shifting sands
the dark intrinsic blunders and
the night call you aloud.


breathe, love
breathe deep.
enter life like what you thought you knew
but all you thought is now untrue
your lungs fill with desire.


sing, love
sing sweet
lyrics blend and tone is blue
rhythm tells you what to do
sing to stop the fire.

a whole lotta dis-

Disconnected
Part stupendous
That's invisible
Can't be seen


Disenthralled
Forgot it all
Wishing it all
Might forget me


Disenchanted
With this life
With this world
All this pain


Disunited
From myself
From your love
Quite a strain


Discontinued
With a blue moon
Beneath the sun
I pray for rain


Disconcerted
Without hope
Without dreams
Barely afloat


Disconnected
Feeling low
Flying high
Time to go.


this was a cigarette poem. cigarettes take about 7 minutes, and i wrote a 7-stanza poem during one such event. not on purpose, it just worked out that way.

head to toe.

we shiver
head to toe
drunken smiles
noses reddening
cheeks begin to blush
open wide, let the wine slide
down our throats
into our bellies

i shudder
head to toe
stumble slightly
kiss me lightly
catch me by the waist
open eyes, let me be wise
in my heart
& in my mind.


you shake
head to toe
teeth chatter
goosebumps raise
i can try to heat you up
close your arms, turn on your charms
"i'll be yours
if you'll be mine"

so we share
skin to skin
secret smiling
voice beguiling
feeling tricked, i let you in
open eyes, realize disguise
i am yours
but you're not mine.


you shed
head to toe
sheep's clothing
flash a wolfish grin
you hid it all too well
open wide, spill out the lies
feel no guilt
& no surprise

i shatter
head to toe
didn't expect it
thought you meant it
guess i had it wrong again
lock my heart, falling apart
refuse to remember
who, where, or when.

running.

i actually wrote this at around 1 in the morning on my 21st birthday.


another year lived
really lived?
alas, nay.
not for lack of trying.
partly for lack of trying..
it's difficult to try to live fully
when you feel your world shrinking
ending
dying
i'm not who i wanted to be
not who i planned
not what i thought
where am i?
where am i going?
what am i doing?
how do i feel?
odd.
off.
out.
what am i looking for?
three-letter words become four
love.
lust.
life.
what am i running from?

what am i running from?