shrinking syllables.

try as i may i cannot pause the racing thoughts within my head
but if i were to stop so suddenly, i'd surely end up dead.
& this thought is the one that keeps me rounding 'bout the circle track:

if i lose momentum, i might start to notice things i lack
grace & poise & fucking class & all that ladies should broadcast
qualities that i, myself, could never ever hope to grasp.

i think & then i turn around & then i think again
& wish for changing mirrors with my open eyes & then
i think of who i am & who i used to be back when

razors called to me for every hour of my day
minutes, even seconds, feeling pain not kept at bay
shortly after seeing red i knew what i became:

a small, slightly awkward ball of shivering quakes
resounding into nothingness as i migrate
back into my shell, cracking like an ancient plate.

& now to screw discretion i wear short sleeves
prepare for judgment as annoying as fleas
look into eyes & ask a very small, 'please?'

you pretend to know me without seeing
i decide to show you what i'm being
we have very diff'rences in meaning.

confusion settles in all the time
perhaps if i could understand rhyme
you could possibly be somewhat mine

don't you realize what you're missing?
that these lips you could be kissing?
then we could start reminiscing

about days that have long gone
little mistakes that were wrong
plans that kept us dreaming on

but now what's left is us
shattered & without love
never cooing like doves

i'll leave you with this
was ignorance bliss?
seal it with a kiss

can you resist?
let's make a list
things that you'll miss:

all my love
like a drug
my laughter

my voice
my taste
your choice:

stay
or
go.

you're not.

i relish living in your memory
breathing slowly
so as not to scare the thought away
can't reach out to touch you
you're not there
you're not here
you're not

play our song on repeat
feeling it within me
take another drink
breathing slowly
so as not to scare your face away
can't reach out to hold you
you're not here
you're not there
you're not

unfulfilled, sitting, dreaming
wishing you could hear my pleading
searching everywhere for everything
i should be finding inwardly
but it's not there
it's not here
it's not

where to look
where to turn
where to go
when to burn
thinking brings anxiety
breathing faster, tenderly
i touch the photo quietly
find a lighter too quickly
& raise them both quite fluidly
watch our smiles go up in flames
watch our happiness fall away
watch our past becoming ash
it blows away within the wind
i feel your memory again
feel it make the tears begin
they fall in silence onto stone
& once again i'm left alone
just memory to keep me whole
because you're not here.
you're not there.
you're not.